Hey guys - So in starting a new chapter of my life, I've been trying to get out and meet new people. I've met a few girls I can see myself becoming really good friends with. Others, not so much. One in particular is nice but I just don't think we'll get any closer than we are (not that I really want to). She keeps asking me to hang out but I don't know how to say 'no' and I also don't want to sound like a bitch. I'm trying to be more mindful of my time and more straightforward with how I communicate but its...easier said than done. How can I tell her I don't really want to pursue our friendship any further without sounding too harsh? TIA!
— Bad Friend
What We're Sippin': A demi-bouteille (aka a half-bottle) of your favorite rosé
We're feeling particularly Parisian today. Not just because they're typically good at friendship (or loose acquaintanceship) dynamics. But because they've mastered the art of ordering an entire bottle of wine for one. And for that, we are forever grateful.
Where We're Sippin': In the corner of our favorite wine bar. Donning a large hat, sunglasses, and a journal that doesn't go off every 10 minutes. We're basically meditating.
Mother Teresa
How could you tell her? Don’t.
Ginger Ále
That was fast.
Mother Teresa
I just don’t think there’s a need. In life you’ll have a lot of tricky conversations that sometimes, well, don’t really need to be conversations in the first place. I think this is one of those. It’s difficult to explain to someone why you don’t want to spend time with them without sounding at least a little hurtful.
I would simply reject her invitations kindly, but with the excuse of a busy schedule or taking time for yourself — neither of which are lies. And after the sixth or seventh (but hopefully the third or fourth) time, she’ll take the hint. If she brings it up to you directly or asks if whether or not you’ve been avoiding her, then you can be more straightforward. The key here is to be as caring as possible.
Ginger Ále
Up until a few years ago, I was Team Better-Left-Unsaid. If it didn’t help a given situation, there was no point in bringing it up. And if all goes according to plan, you can fade slowly into loose-acquaintance oblivion. Cut to a global pandora and two years of resetting, re-evaluating, restructuring your everyday, and now I’m not sure I feel the same way. Because if you’re not living 100% honestly, outspoken in your wants and needs, are you really living? Plus, as I’ve recently learned (yes, the hard way), sometimes letting go is the best thing you can do for the other person, not just you. In fact, it’s the nice thing to do. So long story (not-so-) short, I empathize with the idea of wanting to cut things sooner rather than later. Now for actual advice.
If you were to, say, come clean, I’d start by making it about you. There’s no point in discussing why you’re both incompatible or characteristics of hers you’re not connecting with. Instead, explain your need to take ownership of your social and/or free time. Include that while you’ve appreciated getting to know her, you want to be upfront, honest, and respectful of her own time and energy. Because let’s face it, building any type of relationship takes up a lot of social battery. And there’s no point in letting anyone use it up unnecessarily. Maybe add a heart emoji.
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